Expectations.
You are pretty much ‘expecting’ a lecture on getting rid of them, aren’t you?
Well, I probably need that lecture too, so if you enroll, let me know.
Let me just talk you through my mind, so I can try and battle my insomnia. Shall we?
Everyone has a big day in their lives, a day you wait for more than any other, you are probably already envisioning your big day aren’t you? I won’t blame you. I do too. If what I spot is a curve lined upwards to a smile, keep it up! If it’s not, well I won’t make promises of it getting better, but however it goes you are not alone.
So cutting through the crowd of motivational speakers lined up on my mind, let’s go to the dark place.
My big day matters a lot to me. It’s reason for my smile for almost a month before it’s arrival. The reason I needed a cry-it-out-on-paper session, is because I haven’t been smiling because of the same day. It’s been a week folks. It’s hard.
You know the feeling you have about a certain thing going downhill before it’s arrival? I had that about my day. (Let’s just call it my day, the adjective “big” is becoming too heavy to tolerate.) I assure you, I had made every possible move to ensure my gut was wrong this time. Apparently you can’t fight the demon lurking inside without accepting it’s presence first.
Getting drenched in darkness.
I don’t want to binge through the tiny details, but it was raining on me, just me, the whole day. I usually have my enthusiastic motivational mind genies holding up an umbrella, but even they have been needing tissues these past days.
For all those who have been supportive, stop believing me when I say am okay. Okay?
Like I said, once I accepted that the grey cloud is here to stay, I realized I might need some glitter to line the clouds. Can’t always wait now, can we?
Once I had spread enough glitter and confetti, looking back now, it wasn’t that bad for a while. But apparently my rainy day had washed out the glitter sooner than I expected.
And I was drenched again.
To all those who feel/felt the same, let’s all go that expectations lecture, we need it folks.
I know the world tells you not to expect, but that’s also an expectation of some sort.
We secretly hope for surprises, tiny details to be fulfilled, some warm hugs and a good cup of hot chocolate.
I can’t promise you that it’ll get better. It still hasn’t for me. All I can say is hang in there. I’ll get drenched with you this time.
It’s okay not to be okay. People don’t matter more than you, so don’t hide behind “I am okay” and “it’s fine”.
Thank you for reading. I don’t have a potato for this long post (high five if you get the joke). You are welcomed to write your heart out to me if you’d like to or if you need to. I am all ears. Let’s get drenched together.
©M.Sindhuja
The Charcoal Diary 